now

i'm having these eerie flash backs of my most stupid moments in graduate school. those times where i made myself heard in aristotle's physics, but didn't say anything and then had to bite my tongue. i'm thinking of the job i thought i'd have...how i justified its reality to myself over and over...and how it feels to live with the tune of a hundred "i told you so"s that no one really wanted to say. its too obvious and bitter. i'm thinking of the job i could have and how i don't know what i want to do besides be more than what i seem to be being. did i not just accomplish something? i suppose i did. i got an MA in philosophy. from a good place, but that does that mean i'm an adequate philosopher? i don't think so...not with the new school.
i'm thinking of my terribly awkward graduation reception where only one of my professors showed...oh, and only 6 other students. hm. i'm thinking of how my brother thinks i'm mean and i how i hope i'm not.
i feel like i've sold out before i've even sold out because i can't get passed my own I

now what? i feel perpetually embarrassed. i feel incapable of many things, but i guess atleast i care. thats some thing over no thing, i suppose.

now what? I have so much but now its time to for me to figure out what to do, where to go, who to be, what i want to accomplish, and how to support myself. i've come up with....................


yeah i don't have anything. i'm reactionary to want ads and possibilities that pay. i'm not actively seeking anything but a positive response to my resume.

networking. what did that ever have to do with notions of continuity, context, ontology, and phenomenology?

what does poetry set to mathematical patterns have to do with anything at all?

when will i start? how can i begin?